What does "fine" really mean?

I frequent several parenting forums and groups online, and an underlying theme I find throughout them has recently begun to bother me more and more. Tell me if you've ever heard statements like these:

"I gave my baby formula and she's fine."

"My kids never even rode in a car seat and they're fine."

"I did insert item here to my kids and they're all TOTALLY fine!"

So what does fine really mean? Well, in example number 2, it means that the child never rode in a car seat, was likely never involved in a serious car accident of any kind, and survived and thrived into adulthood. I don't see that as a valid argument to use a car seat improperly. If my kid fell out a two story window and survived with no injuries, I wouldn't push them out again just for kicks and giggles.

But example #1 is the one that's bothering me today. And here's why. . .

I recently visited a doctor who took a very detailed medical history from me and unlike other physicians I've seen in the past, did not blow off my "minor" gastrointestinal issues as no big deal. Nothing I have is serious all by itself. I have a pretty bad case of acid reflux, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and a case of Small Intestine Bacterial Overgrowth as diagnosed by a mainstream gastroenterologist. All of these "syndromes" have been treated by the GI doctor to the best of his ability, but still they persist. . .and I've now been told that I just have to live with them. I also have a pretty moderate case of OCD and anxiety. My new doctor was able to offer me some long term lifestyle changes that will bring relief. . but that's for another post.

What this doctor had to say to me made a lot of sense. As a formula-fed generation, (not saying everyone from that generation was formula-fed, but it was definitely the "in" way to feed a baby at that time), my parents' generation started out with a less than ideal balance in their gut flora. A baby is born with a predisposition toward the gut flora in his/her mother. If that baby is also formula-fed, his gut does not get the opportunity to re-balance to a healthy flora level, and the problem gets worse. . with each generation it gets worse until breastfeeding a new baby helps that little one some by repopulating the gut. I'm not saying a nursed baby won't have any digestive issues, but they are much less likely to suffer severely from GI problems than a baby who doesn't get breastmilk at all.

Secondly, the doctor explained to me that 50% of our "brain" chemicals are produced in the gut, and 80% of our immune system is contained in our digestive tract. A digestive system that is not functioning well is going to have a hard time effectively balancing chemical production, immune function and digestion. That all makes sense, doesn't it?

So I offer all of that information to say this. Yes, a formula-fed baby will grow and thrive and be smart and relatively healthy, just like a breastfed baby will. (Read about the benefits of breastfeeding vs. formula feeding here if you want more comparison/contrast information). . .but that doesn't mean that person will be "fine" forever regardless of whether they nursed or not. I am 35 years old and my problems did not start in earnest until my mid-20s. So we really can't know how "fine" our children are going to be. . .ever. . .because with any luck, we will outlive them and will have no idea if they contracted cancer at an older age, or if that was in some way linked to the way they were fed as infants. The effects of much we do with our children AS children can be far reaching. . .beyond what we think about right now. And that's okay. We can't protect them from everything.

The real point of my post is this: Don't encourage other parents to give their children less than their personal best, based solely on the fact that you did xyz with your kids and they are fine. If you chose to formula feed based on your risk/benefit analysis of infant feeding, that is your choice. If you were sabotaged by a doctor with bad breastfeeding advice, don't give advice to a struggling nursing mother unless you're SURE you know what you're talking about. If you don't, refer them to someone who does. But don't just tell them what you did and how your child is fine. I think we often feel guilty in some way for our own choices and think that somehow convincing another parent that our way of doing things is "fine" makes us feel better somehow.

So. . .if you made a parenting decision of any kind with the best interest of your family at heart, based on all the information you had at the time, you are a GREAT parent. You love your kids and your family and that's AWESOME. If you have regrets, do things differently when/if given another chance. . .but don't selfishly offer advice to make other moms follow in your footsteps to assuage your conscience. Be a bigger person than that.

When did we get so mean?

Okay. I'll admit that it's possible that the hormones of pregnancy are making me extra cranky, but I swear, every time I read a headline the last few days, something gets me irritated. Most things are easily alleviated with a ranty Facebook post, but this one requires a longer analysis to get it off my chest. Feel free to stop reading here if you can't take it. . .

. . .because I'm going to talk about America's most loved and most hated family. The Duggars. And my opinion is apparently unpopular. . .because honestly it's the lack of an opinion. LEAVE THE POOR FOLKS ALONE. Now, having said that, I recognize that they chose to put themselves in the national spotlight by going on reality TV, but having heard them share about their faith and their family, I really think even THAT move was motivated by some desire for good works. They wanted to raise awareness about their beliefs and making a little money in the process did not seem like a bad thing. I mean, they DO have 19 children after all. That's a lot of mouths to feed for sure. . .but feeding them they are. All on their own. So why does everybody care so much about the fact that they have a large family that keeps expanding?

My "beefs" on this topic are many-fold, but the two that are really stuck in my "craw" at the moment are the following. . .

-The fact that everyone and his brother seems to have an opinion about whether or not they should have more children at this point. . .

-And the comments in the media about Michelle's recent 19-week miscarriage being caused by the fact that it was her 21st baby (I'm counting her other miscarriage here). . .

To address beef #1:

WHY DOES EVERYBODY CARE so much if the Duggars have 19 children. . .or 30 for that matter? While I personally don't think I could HANDLE that many kids, it seems to me that they are doing a fine job raising them. They are a self-sustained family unit. They don't have to rely on state aid or charity to "get by." They appear to have well-nourished, mannerly children who are all shaping up to be highly functional, pleasantly contributing members of society. That's a lot more than many families with 1 or 2 kids can even say. And here's the main issue I have with all these "Don't they have enough children already. . .?" and "They need to stop procreating and start focusing on the kids they already have!" comments. . .WHO ARE YOU to say that they have enough and um. . .it appears they DO focus RATHER WELL on the kids they already have. Some people are just really good parents and I'm sorry, but they appear to fall into that category. If a family ADOPTED 20 kids out of the system and did such a good job with them, they'd be on Extreme Makeover Home Addition and hailed as heroes and humanitarians. Who knows what force these kids may become for good, but with a stable home environment and the lessons they're learning, I'd say the odds are good that they may make a huge positive difference in the world somehow.

Which brings me to a sidebar. . .it's nobody's business how many kids are conceived and brought into this world by others. Sure, there are bad situations, but every child is a gift. . .and in our country of reproductive "freedom" it seems we're talking out of both sides of our collective mouths! "My body, my choice!" is the motto the majority of America wants to shout from the rooftops. And while I'm not going to make this into a debate about abortion, it seems worth mentioning that America is all about reproductive choices being personal and private. . .until something ruffles our senstivities and we start practically crying out for the Duggars to be sterilized. We are a hypocritical society.

Beef #2-Did someone read in Michelle's medical record that the loss of Baby Jubilee at 19 weeks was caused by the fact that she has 19 living children? No? Then WHY would anyone think that's what happened? Miscarriages happen every day to women who have no children at all. A miscarriage at 19 weeks is more rare, but the fact that everything looked fine until her 19 week checkup when there was no heartbeat does NOT point to anything related to her large family. Just the publicized statistics of their family fall into the realm of "normal." She has 19 living children and 2 who didn't make it. That's about a 10% miscarriage rate.

"Miscarriage in early pregnancy is common. Studies show that about 10% to 20% of women who know they are pregnant have a miscarriage some time before 20 weeks of pregnancy; 80% of these occur in the first 12 weeks. But the actual rate of miscarriage is even higher since many women have very early miscarriages without ever realizing that they are pregnant. One study that followed women's hormone levels every day to detect very early pregnancy found a total miscarriage rate of 31%."

(About.com article)

So basically, they're actually AHEAD OF THE GAME. All those yelling that this should be a "sign" that they need to stop reproducing are just ignorant of biology. They are actually in a lower risk category than most. While the risk does go up for women as they age, would anyone be judging if poor Michelle was a woman who had struggled with infertility for years and finally conceived her FIRST baby at the age of 45? Doubtful. . though in our highly judgmental society, I guess anything is possible.

And WHERE is our human compassion and sympathy in the midst of all this? Apparently non-existent. Losing a baby at any stage, but particularly at the point that their little one passed, is a tragic and painful experience. . .but I see very little sympathy being published. Criticism is rampant. . .and yet they continue to carry themselves with dignity and kindness, allowing people to see photos of the memorial service they gave themselves to honor their baby. . which just led to more "outrage" because of the (very tasteful) pictures of the baby's hands and feet that were present at the service.

In the wake of all the recent drama, I hope the Duggars are able to take the time to grieve and heal from this tragedy. . .and then move on with their lives. And if that process of moving on involves having more children, I wish them all the best in their endeavors. And for all those out there who don't "agree" with their "lifestyle choices?" Get a life. Because the Duggars apparently have quite a full one and would likely wish you the very best in yours, whether you choose to have ZERO children, or 50.

Can't we all just get along? Seriously.

I recently read a blog post on Cafemom that was quite intelligently written. The author posted a list of the ingredients side by side comparing breastmilk to formula. I enjoyed reading the article and simply thought, "Wow, I'm so glad I nursed my kids," much like you'd be proud of sending your child to a certain school when the testing and rating system showed that school to be ranked one of the best in town.  It's wonderful to know that a momma has the ability to give her little baby so much in the way of nutrition. . .and it's wonderful to know that science has brought us to the point that babies whose moms can't or won't feed them breastmilk have formula as an option to survive and thrive.

I scrolled down to the comment section to add a short kudos to the author, only to find myself somewhat flabbergasted by what I read there. Breastfeeding moms bashing moms who formula fed their babies, calling them selfish and implying that they didn't care. Formula feeding moms bashing nursing moms, calling them arrogant and judgmental. The discussion taking place there just makes me sad. Why are women so vicious? And it's not just about breastfeeding. I see this type of comment conversation on lots of issues involving our kids. . .circ/anti-circ, vax/anti-vax, co-sleeping/independent sleeping, public school/private schoo/homeschool. . .and the list goes on. I am disappointed in us as mothers.

The bottom line is, moms who love their kids and make choices according to what they feel is best for their families should not be judged by other moms just because they are not the same choices they would make. Many times, we make choices that are less than the **best** for our kids for a thousand different reasons. Ever fed your kid fast food or fruit snacks? Given in to a tantrum just to gain silence? I have. Just sayin'. None of those choices are considered to be the "best" by the experts. Yet we've all made one at some time in our parenting careers. At least one. And the reasons don't really matter.

The point is, they're OUR reasons. OUR choices. We each pay different consequences for all of our choices. Do you have to pay the price for the choice of the mom you're judging? NOPE. You have your own set of consequences. . .and don't kid yourself, there ARE pros and cons to EVERY decision. Every single one. There are no perfect parents, only a bunch of broken people doing the best we can. If we put as much energy into offering friendship and support to other moms as we do into tearing down the ones that don't do everything exactly like us, we mothers could be a powerful force for good.

She Loves Her Sissy. . .

I think one of the most delightful things about watching my two girls together is seeing how much they love each other. They both have their selfish moments, but for the most part, their relationship is loving and just plain fun to watch. GG is 6 (AND A HALF, if you ask her), and she is so gentle and sweet to her little sister. She wants to be the first one into AG's room every morning, greets her with a very sweet, "Hi, Baby!" and proceeds to smother her with hugs and kisses, which AG loves.

A few times, GG has gone out for a day with a friend or an afternoon movie with Daddy. The whole time she's gone, every 5 or 10 minutes, AG is asking, "Where's Sissy?" . . .with a concerned look on her face. And she very excited to see her when she returns home. AG is pretty lost without her "Sissy."

They have their times of rivalry like any other sibling pair. Any fight is usually over a toy (it's amazing to me that a 6 year old and 1 year old can want to play with the same things so OFTEN!), but they resolve it quickly. As AG develops her independence, GG is dismayed to learn that she won't always do what she tells her anymore, but it's a learning experience for both of them. I look forward to watching them grow up loving each other. I'm sure their relationship will have its rough patches like any other, but I'm hoping they grow up to be wonderful friends.

My girls are 5 years apart and seem, for the most part, to get along splendidly and love one another very much. What are the age gaps of your kids and how do they interact?

Contentment

Contentment seems pretty hard to come by in today's world. Everyone is always looking for the next best thing. I see it in my own life on a daily basis. Always wishing there was more money in the budget for "fun." Wanting nicer clothes or a bigger house in a better neighborhood. I'm realizing that until I'm content where I'm at, I think God loves me too much to give me the next bigger, better thing. Contentment is something that once achieved, will help us to have a much better life perspective. No more constantly striving to be other than where we are. Able to stop and smell the roses (so to speak). And so. . my perspective changes.


That little bit of extra money we've been trying (not always succeeding) to set aside every month in an effort to move to a new house/neighborhood? I'm feeling like it's time to look at using that to maintain the house we already have. That's not easy for me to say, because I WANT a new house. . .but the scripture in Luke that says, ""If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones. . . ." still rings true. So next comes the list of priorities and questions. Do we refinance our house to pay it off sooner? What "maintenance" items should get priority so we can pay them as we go? How can we troubleshoot the things about our location that drive us crazy? (people walking down our driveway at all hours of the day and night to cut through from the street behind us). I don't have all the answers yet, but I'm praying God will give wisdom. . .and that He will help me as I venture into this new and uncomfortable territory of learning to be content with where I'm at.


It's not human nature. . .but with His help, I know I can get there. . .and be a much more peaceful person for it.

All or Nothing. . .?

The title of this post = my cleaning style. And I'm trying to change it, but it's SO hard!

At the beginning of my marriage (read-when I first had to clean my OWN house), I didn't work for 3 months and we had no children. Our little 800-square-foot apartment was spotless. Always. Seriously, you could eat off the floor. I cooked dinner every night (what newlywed couple has the money to eat out? Well, at age 20 anyway.), and stuff just stayed clean. I was bored out of my mind because how many times can you vacuum the floor in one week, really?

Then, I got a job. And the days of perfect clean were over. I began a cycle of. . .cleaning for 9-12 hours on Saturday (and not every Saturday, just the ones when it was getting to me), walking around behind my husband picking up his sock fuzz for 2-3 days afterwards, then completely letting the place go. . . Until it piled up to maddening proportions, at which point I spent another 9-12 hours cleaning. It became a vicious cycle. Either my house was spotless, or it was a total disaster. . .and when I say disaster, I'm not exaggerating. We're talking having to wash a dish out of the sink to have a plate to eat on, contemplating a package of new undies from Wal-mart because the laundry is so backed up. That kind of disaster.

Then I got pregnant, and very, very sick. "Morning" sickness was a joke. I puked morning, noon and night. Cleaning was not happening. Ever. And while I love my dear husband, cleaning is really not his thing either. He's as messy and lazy as I am. So the disaster became somewhat perpetual. Until I asked a dear friend for help a few times toward the end of pregnancy so I wouldn't be bringing my sweet new baby home to a lab culture situation. I eventually got back into my all or nothing rhythm of cleaning with the new little one. Sometimes horribly dirty and cluttered, sometimes almost spotless. . .but completely spotless was never to be seen again. Really.

After baby number 2, I realized that something had to give. No one can live this way, and the junk was starting to bug my husband, too, which is hard to do. I was able to become a stay-at-home mom and I was ecstatic. Finally, my house would be clean. . .all the time. (Okay, so I can actually hear you laughing out loud as I type this.) NOPE. As anyone who has ever been a stay-at-homer knows, your primary job is to care for the children, not clean the house. AND you're at home all the time, making messes. Perfectly clean is a pipe dream. It's not going to happen unless you ignore the children completely and clean like a fiend, and even then, I'm pretty sure those ignored little ones will manage to mess it up.

It was at this point that I read a book entitled, The House That Cleans Itself, by Mindy Starns Clark. I read a review of the book in a parenting magazine and it sounded like just what I needed. The points I was able to take away from the book and apply in my own home are:

-When you have kids, at some point you have to learn to be okay with "clean enough."
-It's important to organize your house in a way that helps you keep it clean, rather than works against you.
-Use little snippets of time to do mini-cleaning tasks, rather than setting aside whole days and hours to do it all at once.

There was a lot more to the book, but these are the things that really turned it around for me.

-I realized that our dining room had become sort of a "hub" in our house, but that it also had to be a dining room. I changed the type of furniture in the room to things that had a lot of storage/organizational space.

-I bought an inexpensive shoe rack to house all of our shoes. Instead of an unsightly pile in some rooms and digging around in the bottoms of closets, all the shoes are now in the same place and easy to find.

-I re-purposed a pencil box for my husband to use as a "go box." A place to drop his glasses, keys, wedding ring, work badge, etc. at the end of the day that wasn't my kitchen counter.

-I bought a photo bulletin board to keep all the pictures people give us displayed easily. This eliminated the crazy mess of pictures/magnets on the front of my refrigerator.

There were other changes (I used more containers to organize the closets, etc.) and my house still doesn't stay perfectly clean. But I can say that it stays "clean enough" most days. AND, when it gets messy, it takes about half the time it did to return it to a manageable state.

So. . this post isn't really meant to be an advertisement for the book, but rather an invitation to share your own cleaning style. Are you naturally a "clean enough" housekeeper or do you struggle with all or nothing? Leave a comment and let me know.

Cloth diapering has changed me. . .for the better?

It's been about 5 months since I took the plunge into cloth diapering. I can't really explain why I decided to try it. I'm a stay-at-home mom and wanted a new "project?" Maybe. I think it's because it's just something I'd never tried and I wanted the experience. Once I started, it became a little addictive. There are SO many cute cloth diapers out there. . .and I have to admit, it feels good. Once I recoup my start-up costs (in about 3 more months), I'll be saving money every month. It feels good to know I'm not contributing to the overflow of landfills with my dirty diapers. I know it's healthier for my daughter as disposables contain different chemicals that may or may not be harmful long term. There are lots of good reasons to cloth diaper, but I don't think any of them are really why I started. I just wanted a new challenge. . .and I got it.

In the beginning when the diapers are new, it's pretty easy. Just an extra load of laundry every few days. Then after a month or so, you start having stink issues in clean diapers. They are usually pretty easily solved, just a vinegar and/or baking soda treatment here, a Blue Dawn strip there (Google it). What has really surprised me is how cloth diapering has changed my whole perspective on human waste. Don't read on if that sounds gross to you. ;-)

Before cloth diapering, a "blowout" grossed me out to the point that I have been known to throw away clothes. More than once, when my baby leaked out of her diaper, a onesie ended up in a public trash can. Now, not only is there less leaking in general with cloth, but I'm more equipped to deal with such messes. I always have a wet bag with me for containment. I've discovered that a quick swish in the toilet (at home of course) will remove most of the poop from just about anything. I know that a quick wash in cold water without detergent before a regular wash cycle prevents odors from setting into stuff. . .and I know that a good scrubbing of the hands will get the poop off, my hands won't fall off or be permanently stinky, and if they do smell, a good lemon juice wash will do the trick.

Yesterday, I was cleaning my toilet and a stain wouldn't come off with the usual methods. So I took a rag, put my hand into the bowl and began to scrub. When it was clean, I remembered how disgusting I used to think that was. I have a friend who always cleans her toilet that way, and I used to gag at how she could do that without a glove or a toilet brush or anything. Now I get it. It's just not that big of a deal. To be fair, I'm still grossed out by public toilets (God only knows the germs that reside there) and other people's body fluids, but I've come to realize that my own kids' "messes" are just normal. I guess cloth diapering has normalized this for me, and for that, I'm grateful.